cant hardly wait

this is how i spent most of my summer. it did help me keep my sanity and once again writing is the only thing that seems to root me in the earth when i feel my mind floating away. i want to to change the world, you ever get that feeling like your this close to a revolution and the key lies in your own motivation? that's how i feel, i feel like I'm at the point where i need to stop THINKING bout how much i wanna change the world and just go ahead and start small. little at a time. i was watching a film in my favorite class (humanities) called "little ashes", and one of the main characters said something that sparked a fire in my heart, he said "i want to go above and beyond in everything i do, in life in everything.... we must be brave..." stuck in my mind and its been adding to the fuel for quite some time. and i keep wonder if I'm being brave enough. and if I'm going to answer that truthfully then hell no i have not!!!! i am still wearing a mask, still faking till the lights go out, and i don't want to do it anymore. I MUST BE BRAVE!!!!!!! i must be bold and even though i may be scared shit less that fear could cost me everything, and I'm not willing to do that again. i want to be this generation's surrealist leader. i want to cut open the eyes of the people with a dirty razor and infect their sights with something meaningful. the blood of rebels has been dripping into mine and its boiling, bubbling, pusing, and spilling over, and i can feel that single match warming me in the snow. and i want everyone to feel this same beastly desire to want, to need, to automatically feel as if nothing can keep us from change. And we must not stop at spitting out the usual sayings, think of the worst things, the things people do not discuss and feed into that open our mouths and the blood will pour from it. but cover our mouths and we will look down to find that our mouths are gone ad so are the voices we took for granted. i wish to shock to world, i wish for my words to strike emotions into people, i want the images i say to burn into your brains as if i have branded my initials onto your chests and your skins screams my name. be brave with me step into the ring of fire and dance the dance of freedom. there is something in the blood, something in the mind, something in the dance, and i want it all the posses me to take over my body and make me what it wants me to be.

Ok...so something's differnt...

havent felt like this in soo long. the last time it felt this good it also ended so bad as well... but im not about to think of this using the past as an exaple... i would like to take things slow thought just baby steps and seem how far out we will stray. he said something to me that made me seriously think... if he's willing to say that it could mean one of two thing: a) he's really really n2 me b)he's just like me.
if he's really n2 me that means that he sincerly believes tht im the sure thing which is such an honor to me. because it allows me to open up finally and trust him. im a little less guarded than before and i am able to say wat i really feel. he makes it easy though. he talks with such intellect that it feeds my hungery of curiosity for him making me want more...
if he's just like me that means he could mean it at the moment but who knows. when i say that i mean hecould be playing on an over whelm of emotions and not be thinking claerly. it is so easy to have feelings for some one and say wat you feel its not like it'd be a lie it just simply wouldnt only be for that moment. not saying that it wouldn't develop into something just rushing it wont get there any faster...
either way im all in and im prepared to ride the high. he's awesome and i cant wait to see where this goes....

somethng...

wishing he could tell me something, anything, that could put ma mind at ease.



traveling at wat seems to be the speed of light



at the same time grabbing even the samllest moments in my net



but wat im really looking for is a precious moment that i lost



the one left behind in a time where love made all things stand calm


i called out to him


begged for his had


to pull me frm this relm


of sadness


dispaire


depression


and bring me to a place of purity

a place where i can finally breath

just when i though i lost that special moment
he presented it at my feel

telling me that moment was always near me

all i had to do was realize that all the small moments

were the puzzle pieces that created it.
now as the particles settle and time slows down
there's something in the air
something with a sense of resolution
and the perfection to an imperfect end

Wild Horses

guess i gotta take the time out to eat ma words. well not neccessarily eat them jus be mind full of others. told u the day was goonna gey intresting lol... may be im not exactly seeing the other side of the window here on this one. its starting to get very complex and just when i thught i had a grip on the situation the dynamic changes. the energy comlpetely flips around now im the one on edge. trying to see wat his next move is. maybe ma psetimistic nature is causing me to see things that are really there. could this gy actually CARE about me? is he really the genuine guy he says? it goes back to the age old ideeal that humans are both good and bad so maybe he's got some things that i'd rather not deal with but yet so far despit all that he's still doing better that most of the guys ive dealt with and they've had the benefit of te doubt frm the very beginning. i jus thing maybe its the fact that im worried he might actually be wat's good for me and the really can help that he met he first. history has plenty of stories of ppl who fall for eachother despite belonging to other ppl. damn it!!!! what the holy hell just happened??? i dnt know wat to say i jus need time to think this thur he's promising me the equivelent of perfection and i fell like jumping for the offer people are not perfect and maybe im forgetting that i jus think about "wat if" and my stomach filps ten times. i dnt know anymore. and who am ito deny him the chance. if it was me i would want more tha anything to show the person that shit happensd but that shouldnt happen to us...

Its morning

i woke up at about 10:30 today ma sleep was not really that good its ok though i have those moments alot. the issue i had yesterday is over with we r just buddies now and i ntend to keep it that way. he said something that struck a cord in me. he said "i'll stay friends cuz i'd rather be a friend then nt hve u n my life at all" i guess that means he really cares for me buti cnt help but think why now in this piont of out lives when we are litterally sperated. i cnt guess for the life of me why this didnt happens n school but at th same time fate has her way of putting characters is a story at anytime she wants. i feel like he's playing this game to get me to fall for him. he probably figures tht if he opens up to me then i'll let ma gurad down. i dont want to develop anything other thn friendship with him but i fell as if im playing a rigged game of chess. it has always been in ma nature to want xactly wat i cant have and he's the prize thats off limits im doing the right thing by staying friends but the question is will he do the right thing and do his part to... all this and its not even noon yet...

i saw this coming a mile away and finally i can do something now that its close enough

i did it i let the poor boy go... i hate being the bearer of bad news even if it includes me but it had to be done and somebdy had to take the lead and say enough!!! he's still reluctant to do down easy but that fine with me cuz either way i've said ma peice and that all to it. if want future relatioships to work for me i must end this cuz karma is nothing nice and it always comes back three times as strong and i no i wouldnt ant anything like this to happen to me cuz im not one to handle things lke this very well. so its done i hope if not i will definately update on the situation...

i was lying when i said i couldn't trust my self around you

he's really not making this easy for me. i need space and he's scooting clooser! im at the point where im just getting use to beig alone and learning to accept being single. one of my greatest fer is being alone but that is something i am prepared to admit and thats probably why i keep so many useless conquests around me so i wont hav time enough to actually stop and realize this. this particular young man is becoming a bit of hand full, partly because i did not even see it comin but i thought it would be fun and im not the one to pass up a bit of fun if it presents itsself. only his intentions are so trasperant that im getting annoyed at how quickly the fun has ended. he claims to be involved with some one yet his plays this ole as the nice guys with all the right motives.. i mean honsetly who does he think he's kidding. and i make a habit of bring the subject up because i want his to kniw tht i am completely aware of his situation and he keeps feeding me bullshit talikg about he wants "desire and passion" well call the one you are involved with and tell her that! who ever she is she deseves a fighting chance ans i will not be the reason that she does not ger it. i remember how hwe used to talk about the girls he pursuied in high school and he made them seem soo dumb and willing tomake themselves look stupid to be honset even in high school i thought he was a bit of an asshole any way and i will nver completely trus him or his intentions and he knows this. im not perfect and i know this but i dont want this kind of energy in my life and sadly he must go. he will never be nothing more than a friend to me and he dosent seem to get that. wat he needs to do is fix his realationship or decisde if it is even woth the energy he is obveously not putting into it anyway.
there is some else i am waiting to be ready. he's great and has a kind heart it seaps thurough even when he's not trying. it took me quite a while to actually do so mcuch as to say hi. but when i finally did it was ood to know that he at least knew who i was. i remember the xact day i saw him. i was standing in line at the book store and e cut infront of me, i wasnt looking but when he spoke i looked up and my breat literally went away. he was something right out of ma deepest drams like i'd seem his face before. of coure the encouter only lasted a few seconds bu thta was enough for me. it took weeks for me to say hi and after that i perceeded to continue with short friendly conversatios, anything to talk to him. even after we were well on out way to friendship it still took me days to just ask him for his FB page lol. i think he already knew but like i said he was just that nice that he was patient with me. finally i got the balls to gice him my number over FB of course lol (i know vey hilarious). he is suffering from the came sickness that i am: a broken crippled heart. who ever he was with first did a number on him i thinks thats what makes him so beautiful to me the fact that the same xact thing that happend to him happened to me and its like our hearts are unknowingly tied by the same pain. he is not willing to b in a relationship rite now and i completely understand thats xctly how i feel rite now. we are in a way waiting on each other to heal. with him its like baby steps and im okay with it. this is giving us a chance to learn eachother before we risk anything. its like we are bth making sure not to get hurt and in turn helping eachothr heal... its a good feeling to know that someone else outthere has the dame fellings and valuses that i do. he's a nice guy and i cnt wait to learn more about him and discover what makes him who he is inside...